she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
