Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
