he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
