dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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