I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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