Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
