I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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