I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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