I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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