..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
