I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
