Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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