after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
