Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
