there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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