You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year