I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
