I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.