I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
