I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
