My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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