wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's never too late to be topless.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
