I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
