1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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