oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.