I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Randomize
