i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You are the jesus of drinking
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
