I will die if light touches me.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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