I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
