i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
