so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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