i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
