I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
