today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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