If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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