why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
