why didn't you poke me back
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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