i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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