you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
