I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
