I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
