the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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