I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
