I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
