I feel like I'm in dance class right now
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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