i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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