Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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