you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
