I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
