I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
