ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
