Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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