I think i peed on brittanys purse
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
