DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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