I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
