He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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