I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize