I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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