it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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