life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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