Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
