I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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